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Sunday, 08 November 2009

explosion

I am deeply annoyed at this girl I used to claimed as one of my 'best friend'..
I don't know what to do about her.. I mean I still talk to her and stuff but we don't really hang out as much anymore.. She is one of those authoritarian, everything should go my way type of person..
She only listens to herself and it seems like she is always right when in fact, she is not.
People are scared of her because she is very controlling in the way that she can give you the silent treatment when she is annoyed at something.. when she doesn't talk to you, you can totally feel the vibe in the air and you get scared of her.. It is like silent control with a hint of moodiness and a way for her to get attention from people.
Not everyone can master this technique, some people keep silent when they are annoyed but they don't give people that feeling of uneasiness and 'omgsh, what have I done' sensation.

I am more of a 'laissez-faire' type of person and I always have to succumb myself to her because she is also good with her words, quirkiness and manipulation and makes you follow her point of views and lure you into her ideas and criticism. She is also a jealous type of person and she is very domineering over her friends and I reckon she can easily get a degree with honours in 'alienating friends'. Don't get me wrong, there is a good side to her as well.. She is a really admirable person when she really really likes you.. When you are in her good books, she can be like the sweetest friend ever. Once I remember this time in high school, she and this girl used to be bestest friends and I don't know why with no evidence of reasons, she just didn't talk to her for one entire year. I presumed it was jealousy and she hated her and always whenever she is around, she will put herself on guard and ignore her. I pitied the girl and the girl always tried to make a conversation to miss. moody but she will just ignore her and talk to some other people.

I admit, I was at fault for being under her dictatorship. In order to be in her good books, people just go with her because she has powers like that to influence others. She can make a simple story so exaggerated and animated by including her own impersonation. I don't know how many times has she done that... Deep down inside, I knew she was like that but I was blinded, blinded by her authority and dominant attributes. Well, the story continues, she started talking a little to the girl the next year and they slowly started to become friends again.. and also, the girl had a big heart and showed no hatred towards her but always greeted her with a friendly attitude. But this time, she chose another close friend of hers to take as a new victim and started ignoring her, and she has all these convincing theories and stories that she told others about the girl. About how she is weird and all that jazz.

Of course, me and her fought as well. I remember going to Singapore after highschool with her with two other friends. There was a point during the trip where everything went downhill. She gave me and everyone else silent treatment throughout the trip. It happened in rotations and it was because of her head... I don't know what's in her head and I bet it's a jungle inside. It was horrible and it totally ruined the fun of the trip. I realized that she wanted the attention and she likes the attention. I don't blame her, she can do it but yeah there should be a cut-off limit. She totally doesn't like this other girl and she just thinks oh, okay... I will cut you off from my life now.. She would build walls around herself and totally evade the person she isn't fond of.

In essence, the main characteristics of ignorance is arrogance. Why put so much effort into hating somebody? Sigh, too much consistency without any conscience is not good. I remember calling my mom crying if I can re-book myself into a new hotel room so that I don't have to put up with her. We had out ups and downs but essentially, we don't have mega serious fights that would turn the whole friendship upside down. She leaves that to other preys and me and her are pretty tight.

We were like bestest of friends.. We were like platonic friend-lovers. Me, her and two others were really close and we called ourselves the 'awesome foursome' but like I guess, nothing lasts forever. This is the thing, a friend is a friend. Some friends can make you feel so awesome, like you have the best-est friends in the world. I did feel that way towards them and I always had fun but then throughout life, there comes challenges and unknown forces that seemed to be coming against the friendship, opposing the saints. It is tragic and it makes people feel crap.

Right now, me and her are like not so much of friends anymore. After this fight we had in June, things aren't the same anymore. It was really silly when I think about the cause of the fight. It was one of her bad mood days and I was just a third party in the fight, it was between her and this other girl but yeah, somehow I got involved and she reckons I am the betrayer for not siding with her. We still talk sometimes but it isn't the same anymore. Nothing without unconditional acceptance and forgiveness will last. It is a shame, and shame on her for being so caught up in her own world and her techniques of alienating people. She claim she doesn't but she does, she is organizing all these events and trips to go to melbourne and watch taylor swift live next year.. She doesn't invite me out anymore and she is just alienating me out of her life.. She is not a lady at all, a true lady should be diplomatic and slow to anger. Well, at least it taught me a lesson, and no doubt I have become tougher. Only the thing I am kinda scared of now is I just feel like I lost trust in friends. I don't like getting hurt and I just have this mindset that there is no such thing as 'friendship forever'.. I feel like I need to build a guard around me to keep me from harm.

I mean I do believe it but it is such a rarity. My mother has a really close friend for years and years now.. and they are both strong christians and they are like true friends.. Even in the midst of family, work and all these obligations, they still have time to organize family dinners, go to spa treatments together, and call each other to talk and pray for each other etc.. It is a really good sort of bond and it is really rare, like I said. Because usually once people are married and they have their own family, work.. they don't really put such a share of energy into their 'friends' category. Obviously, other priorities in life have to come first. Unlike now, I am free of obligations except uni.. I literally have soo much freedom right now. I can go out with my friends, it's up to me.. I don't have any strings attached. But what I'm saying is that many generic adults in this modern day world, they don't have that many friends to 'hang out' every single day.. You see some at church, the occasional reunions, parties but that's just it. The rest of the time, they have work, running errands and playing multiple roles. work, cook, laundries, sending kids to the school, tennis, piano lessons, organizing family trips, paying bills and literally becoming a domestic queen!

They don't seemed to have friend problems because they are caught up with other things in life. More important things, I must add. So yeah, this is my vend for the day. I had enough, I can't believe I typed this up so fast.. I am going to find something to eat now because all these bombardment of thoughts have made me hungry.

Until next time,
erica~

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Hello!

It's currently 9.53PM..

It has been a long time since I last updated my blog.

Reading all the old posts bring back nostalgic memories of the past.

It's crazy, so -many- things have changed since the last time I've been on here...

First of all, I don't hang out with my old group of friends anymore..

I guess God answered my prayer and gave me a new direction right now..

I don't even know what's in store in my life right now... But I have hope.

Yes, I have new friends but somehow I don't feel like I belong either..

Somehow my view point of 'friends' have changed dramatically...

Friends are just friends.. I don't want to have such a 'soul tie' with any of them because they end up hurting me...

And I really dislike getting hurt.. I think this year is the hardest year of my life..

going through whirlwinds..... guy trouble, betrayal, ditching, mind blocks and all that jazz..

I feel this is the turning point of my youth..

I feel pathetic typing all these up because it makes me sound like a helpless victim..

But yet again, the only reason I came on here is because I really need ed somewhere to write my thoughts out

before it erupts and I won't be able to control it..

This is the way to go... vending out my thoughts..

Gee, I feel like I have yet a lot to write.. but time is the constraint at the moment..

I have to go pick a friend up and send him to work..

and then after that, I might as well go to Uni and finish off some important task.

Exams are in 2 weeks and no doubt, I have to burn more midnight oils in the days to come..

I will be back should I need a place to vend my thoughts again..

Signing off,
eri~

Saturday, 14 March 2009

The sweetest love

From time to time, I will think about this thing called 'love'
The meaning of 'love' can be too complex for me to take in sometimes..
I find that the common boy and girl love is like a chewing gum.. The taste is sooo tasteful and sweet at first then it slowly becomes tasteless. how sad..
Now and then, I see people I know breaking up with their partners... People moving on because the 'love' is not there anymore.. I just don't understand... and I don't want to endure the process of getting hurt like that..
But it is so tempting to just go out with someone just for the sake of going out! Seriously, there has been this odd few times when I had the opportunity to have a boyfriend... but I don't like them back and I used to think if I should just give it a go just to increase my experience level lol.. but I knew deep down inside, I should not date someone just to claim that I have a boyfriend... The relationship will be artificial, hollow and meaningless and it is also really not fair to waste his time with someone who can't like him back!
I doubt if I am emotionally ready for a partner.. I think I am still not mature enough yet?.. and I am looking at something beyond this whole going-out thing.. I don't want to go out with someone just for the sake of going out... Just to get love-struck and 'physical' with someone and then eventually in the end, realizing that he is not the one for me.
I want something beyond worldly desires and I know there's this ideal guy out there that God has already assigned for me.. So I decided I'll have to wait... wait for my Mcdreamy to come along.. I want to get to really really know this person first.. someone who has a close relationship with God and can accept all my flaws, someone understanding, kind, and etc.... someone I can talk to about my secrets and about anything.. Someone I can be so comfortable with that silence between us is not awkward at all..
So the question is when will I find my soul-mate?
(I am like turning 20 in December this year... lol.. my clock is ticking away.. )
Oh wells, I guess it will be worth it waiting for the right person because the sweetest love does not take place in the short run but in the long run, into the future, and the unknowns of life's mystery.

Thursday, 12 March 2009

take me away

I received an email from the uni about a Study Tour to Florence, Italy!!
How I wish I could go.. It would be an awesome experience.. .
lol :) and also a chance to get away for a bit from this hole that I'm living in..
a meaningless post

I wake up in the morning, pour some milk on my nutri-grain cereal and an ambitious plan came to mind.
To catch up on 3 weeks worth of accounting lecture and tute homework !
But here am I... subconciously tempted by my white vaio laptop..
I am so not looking forward to go to uni afterwards.. Law tute at 1pm then followed by info systems lecture. I am really not looking forward to drive 40 minutes and then park somewhere far from my class cos all the parking spots have been filled up!
But then again, my law tutorial is quite interesting cos my law tutor is a real eye-candy. I would say he's around 27-28?... He looks quite out of place in the class-room too. I think this is the best way to describe him: like a model off the runway but talks like a modern-day Shakespeare. He has the look of a model from every angle of his face. His sentences are perfect. Every word out of his mouth seems to be read off a script. Every eyes are fixed on him. His voice rings in the silent room, which has magically transformed into a stage.
:)
Apparently, he's a ~~part time model~~ solicitor and he only goes to uni to tutor in one or two classes. Sadly, he'll be going to Venice ~~to continue his modelling career~~ to attend a conference in a few weeks time so we'll all be having a new replacement tutor.